"Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self." - May Sarton
I seem to have not found the balance between being social and being a hermit. I am by nature a social creature, I love to connect, to talk, to meet new people and treat all as my friends. The other side of the coin is that I also enjoy my own company very much. Don't get me wrong, I don't like to be lonely, but I enjoy solitude. I enjoy those moments when it's just me, my own thoughts, my favorite music and those long walks in the winding roads that are my thoughts.
I believe in being honest, with myself first and with everyone else in my life second. Sometimes I honestly want to be around everyone, friends and strangers, I want to mingle and talk and laugh. Sometimes that becomes too much and expected on top of it all, and well, let's face it, I am not good at delivering when something is expected of me. I respond to myself, FIRST.
When I feel that things are out of control, when I feel there's too much "noise" in my surroundings for me to even hear my own thoughts, then I retreat and keep myself company. I pamper myself, to a book, a glass of wine, a sunset that I can actually take in, in all its glory, without interruptions, without "noise."
I understand that makes it hard for people around me, well, to be around me. Let alone relationships. However I know with a certainty that I don't EVER want to be with anyone because he/she/it NEEDS me. I want to be with someone that WANTS to be with me, but doesn't need to. I don't buy in the "you complete me" bullshit. I don't want to complete anyone or be completed by anyone. I want someone that is already WHOLE. For that to happen, I need to be whole and believe me, I am working on that.
Where is this going? As always I am not sure.
Had a long weekend of family, friends & foes. And I am enjoying my solitude. Jason Mraz healing music, my tasty cigarette, Gabriel Garcia Marquez and my thoughts.
Take yourself out on a date, enjoy your own company, be whole and if you are happy that way...well, gimme a call, I might want to date you ;-)
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