ON DEATH

Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die.~ Amelia Burr
Today I found out someone I know an have been friends with committed suicide.  I am not going to lie and go for the "pity party" thing.  We were friends many years ago and I had not seen him in probably 10 years.  Yet, when I heard the news I went into Pablo-crazy-mode.  So I had to walk away from everything and let my feelings be felt and understood, or try to understand why it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I went for a walk at sunset, I saw an amazing sky, clouds, horizon.  All me was a bunch of tears.  I kept trying to understand why this news hit me so hard.  Yes, he was someone I know, yes, we had great times, but I had not seen him in years and yet, here I was, walking on a country road crying like a baby.
I took a deep breath. I allowed myself to feel whatever was coming over me, to be present to this feelings and I befriend them.  As friends, we talked and I tried to understand.
I realized a few things.  Having been in a place where I did want to commit suicide myself a few years back I realized that one of my burdens were knowing that regardless the fact that my friend committed suicide, I did not and do not feel like I cannot respect his choice, even though I don't agree with it.  When I was at my wits ends, that was my reality, suicide was a tangible, reasonable option, regardless of how others saw my situation.
So there, I can't even be mad at my friend, but on top I respect his choice.
Then I also realized I have a bitter chip on my shoulder.  When I was 21 my cousin died on a car accident.  We grew up together, we were like brothers.  Since his death, 11 of my friends have died, either committing suicide or in accidents.  So yes, I am bitter.  I have friends who don't even know what is like to loose someone they love.  I realized I have all this frustration for the things I have had to experience, my uncle committing suicide when I was 5, then my grandparents dying and then after a breather, 11 friends in 10 years.  I realized I have been angry and also not allowing myself to grieve because I felt I would just go insane.  Yet today, walking, looking at a pink sky, feeling the breeze I realized: I won't go insane, feelings are to be felt.  It is ok to cry and cry and cry a bit more.  It is ok to miss, to long for someone, to remember something and smile.
It is ok to FEEL, to be honest and KNOW that sometimes we will hurt, and sometimes we will cry, but above all, to know that to feel and cry and hurt we will have had to enjoy and had been close to friends and family.  So yes, I cry as I write thinking of my friends that passed and I am happy I can cry and I can hurt and I can feel, because god damn it, I only go through this because I was present at each time with them.  So, ALWAYS, I will take the crying. 
Go, LOVE, HUG, FEEL, HURT and CRY, its all WORTH IT.
Pablo